Grieving Your Unmet Emotional Needs as a Child Is How You Create Inner Peace

Because the deepest wounds aren't always physical

Photo by cottonbro studio

I had food, a roof over my head, and an education—what more could I want?

For 28 years, I repeated this to myself, brushing off the aching grief in my chest.

Why?

Because acknowledging my childhood struggles felt wrong.

Like I was:

• Rejecting my father’s care and financial support.

• Undermining his struggles as a single parent.

• Disregarding others who had it worse.

We all do this, don’t we?

Even with trauma, we match a checklist to decide if we're worthy of feeling it— as if only blood and bruises are proof enough to claim our pain.

But here’s the thing:

Trauma isn't only what happened to you. It's also what should've happened but didn't.

The hidden scars you can't touch

I was in 5th grade when I lied about someone coming to kidnap me at school.

That’s how much I craved attention.

The incident may have passed, but I can’t forget that little girl’s desperation—creating false stories, striving to excel in studies, taking care of other adults—simply to feel seen and heard.

The harsh reality is:

When you receive love only as a reward, you begin to beg for it. Often in ways you don’t even understand.

This kind of neglect doesn’t leave visible scars. But the wounds it creates are as real and painful.

The rejection runs deep when:

• “I love you” was never said out loud.

• They called you ungrateful for expressing your struggles.

• They asked you to stop crying because you’re ‘too sensitive’.

• They dismissed your fears and doubts instead of comforting them.

What’s worse?

The hurt doesn’t disappear with time. Instead, they follow you into your adult life.

• You crave intimacy but avoid it, fearing rejection.

• You overcompensate or shrink yourself to please others.

• You label yourself as “needy” for wanting love and attention.

• You stay hypervigilant, convinced others will break your trust.

Plus, it doesn’t help when others dismiss your story with comments like:

• “But you turned out fine.”

• “Oh, they loved you in their way.”

• “They didn’t know better. Don’t hold it against them.”

These judgments miss the heart of the matter:

Acknowledging your anger and pain isn’t about blaming your caregivers. It’s about validating your inner battle so you can tend to your wounds.

Because the truth is:

Only when you grieve what was missing can you begin to fill those spaces with love and kindness.

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Create peace by mourning what you never had

Let me reassure you:

You don’t need anybody’s permission to feel your emotions.

You are not ungrateful for acknowledging what was missing.

And not receiving the love you deserve doesn't mean you’re unlovable.

Here are three tools that help me embrace this truth, and I’m sure they will help you too:

1. Self-validation

2. Self-compassion

3. Self-nurturing

Start by accepting the feeling of being unseen, the same feeling you carried as a child.

When a painful memory surfaces, place your hand over your heart and affirm: My experiences are valid.

Cry if you need to or let your anger rise and move through you. Notice the sensations in your body—racing heart, heavy breaths, tightness in your stomach.

If it gets overwhelming, move your body. Splash cold water on your face, the back of your neck, and your ears. This helps regulate your internal temperature and offers relief.

I promise you, it’s not your fault. Hold yourself with compassion as these feelings come and go.

I understand how scary it is to sit with difficult emotions. But when you stop shutting down your grief, you can start listening to it.

The safe space you create allows you to see how past pain shows up in your current relationships.

Whether it’s:

• Clinging to validation from friends or partners.

• Compromising your own needs and boundaries.

• Over-extending yourself to gain appreciation and love.

When I began acknowledging my trauma, I realised I was constantly trying to fix other people's moods or over-giving affection.

Why?

Because I believed if I could be valuable enough, they would never leave me.

This awareness is empowering. It allows you to reflect and let go of these patterns.

Dr. Gabor Maté puts it in profound words.

Pay attention to your insecurities. They are not there to taunt you, but to show you where to heal.

As you move forward, you gain clarity—not only on fulfilling your own needs but also on building relationships that honour and commit to meeting them.

Self-nurturing becomes a powerful tool to fill the void that's been crying for attention.

Here’s how:

• Reach out to a professional counsellor or therapist.

• Appreciate yourself for your strengths and efforts.

• Journal your thoughts to release the pent-up chaos.

• Surround yourself with people who listen and validate you.

• Don’t change your behaviour to fit someone else’s expectations.

Most importantly, be patient with yourself.

Focus on responding to one situation differently. That’s all you need.

After all:

A small, consistent step is the key to a bigger transformation.

Final thoughts

The deepest pain isn't always physical.

So, throw away the rules that tell you what you can and cannot express.

If you want to create inner peace, start by understanding how your early experiences shaped your beliefs, behaviour, and the way you see yourself.

Then, gently challenge the patterns that hold you back—from growth, connection, and love.

Thank you for reading.

Have you ever felt guilty for needing love and attention?

Tell me in the comments.

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