What It Feels Like to Be Unsafe Within Yourself

3 things that helped me create safety.

Photo by Raychan on Unsplash

I’ve been having a rough couple of days.

I feel low in energy, haven’t been able to finish my projects, and managing the guilt of not doing enough.

Self-compassion has always been tricky for me.

It’s confusing to know if you’re being hard on yourself or excusing your behaviour. If you’re thinking it’s the first one, I trust you. But, it’s difficult to handle this doubt when you’ve lived most of your life not knowing if kindness was even an option.

Since a young age, I have craved to be anybody but me. I would watch TV shows, read books and dream of being the main character, so I could like myself.

Somehow, none of the academic achievements, engineering accomplishments, or close relationships could make up for the crisis I felt within.

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Self-hate is real

When you dislike who you are, disappointment eats away at your self-esteem, sense of belonging and hopes of ever feeling okay.

Living with self-hate is like living with a bully who tears you apart every night. And each morning, you try to piece yourself back together, only this time pieces are further apart than ever.

There’s no safety within miles of your consciousness.

Because the thing is:

The shame, anger and insecurity make you a victim of your own mind.

And it manifests in your daily choices and behaviour.

Think about it…

Even a small mistake triggers condescending self-talk, which goes on for days sometimes.

You withdraw from friends and family for fear of rejection.

You start putting others’ needs over yours.

Plus, have you noticed when you say:

• I’m so stupid.

• I’ll never be happy.

• I’m terrible for thinking about this.

So on and on, how you use emotions to form a self-limiting fact. This constantly shapes the way you see yourself.

I’ve been there.

I used to believe that simply because I’m emotional, I’m “too sensitive“. I thought others were right in not caring about my emotional needs.

Quite sad, right?

Staying stuck in a pattern of self-hate blinds you to the possibility of another reality where you matter.

Last year, I began working on breaking out of this pattern and learning to appreciate who I am.

And the past few days have shown me how far I’ve come. Instead of attacking my vulnerability, I’ve been validating my self-worth. It takes effort, but I feel safer with myself.

Here are 3 things that helped me create safety. And I am sure they’ll help you do the same.

1. Reconnect with the inner child

It is difficult to see yourself as a child if you never identified as one while growing up.

This is due to never having the space to be a kid—whether from excessive criticism, unmet needs, or having to act as a parent in the absence of a caregiver.

But just because you don’t see the child within you doesn’t mean it’s not there. And that child needs love.

While you didn’t have the choice before, now you do. Take this opportunity to honour the kid within you. Give it the space to express itself and be who it wants to be. Listen to the wounds, fears, and grief it carries—feelings it never had the chance to express.

I understand it won’t be easy.

But please, stop using the weapons others left in your heart to hurt yourself.

Instead, acknowledge the pain, understand where it comes from, and gently tend to yourself.

Here’s how:

• Write a supportive letter to the inner child.

• Take some time alone to process your emotions.

• Do what you loved doing as a kid on one of the weekends.

• Stand in front of the mirror and say everything you appreciate about yourself.

Yes, healing takes time. But, that’s no reason to never begin.

2. Confront insecurities with compassion

I get it, self-compassion is hard.

It's challenging to accept the baggage you hold—doubts, shame, and uncertainty. Plus, connecting with the inner child brings all of these to the surface. You can no longer hide from them.

But, this is exactly the moment you need yourself the most.

Ask: How would I comfort a friend in a similar situation?

Then, show up as that friend.

When you approach your problems with empathy, it gets easier to be kind and gentle with yourself.

Understand the beliefs beneath your insecurities. Take the time to explore your fears, feelings of impostor syndrome, and the judgments that undermine your needs.

It's okay if it's not easy or if you choose not to engage with your emotions in depth right away. Do what feels authentic without pushing yourself to the limits. It’s a journey to cultivate self-acceptance. Take it one courage at a time.

Understanding and acknowledging your struggles will make self-compassion more accessible to you.

3. Constant validation

This was a huge help to me!

I cannot stress enough the power of self-validation. You deserve to be seen, heard, and loved, especially by yourself.

Instead of undermining your experiences, validate them. Acknowledge it's okay to feel overwhelmed and tough emotions are part of being human.

As you make efforts to let go of unrealistic expectations, affirm your progress. Recognise the steps you’re taking towards breaking the cycle.

For instance, when you make a mistake, see it as a learning opportunity rather than a reflection of your abilities. If you find yourself comparing yourself to others, focus on the unique qualities you bring to the table. And instead of shaming yourself for needing rest, honour your need for self-care.

The goal is to build faith in who you are.

Because here's the truth:

You may not choose your struggles, but you can choose to support yourself through them.

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Unlearning toxic beliefs, healing past wounds, and building self-compassion take time, and it’ll seem daunting at first.

But, believe me, when I say, you absolutely can do it.

Learning to accept and appreciate who you are is possible.

Give yourself the space to exist, and confront your fears, conditioning, and judgments. Hold your hand and affirm that you deserve to be here.

You don't have to live as a prisoner in your own body.

It’s time to break free.

It’s time to take responsibility for your well-being.

Tell me in the comments: Have you struggled with feeling unsafe within yourself?

What's one small step you can take today to begin nurturing a healthier self-relationship?

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