Who Am I When I’m Not Trying to Impress You? The Secret Self I Buried to Survive

When being real feels dangerous

Photo by Jason Bonnicksen on Unsplash

It was one of those mushy afternoon dramas.

The kind where everyone overacts just a little.

I was in fifth grade, sitting cross-legged on the cool tile floor, so close to the TV I could see the tiny static flickering around the edges of the screen. My whole body leaned toward the story.

When the heroine gasped, I gasped. When the couple hugged, I felt my own heart swell with something bright and hopeful.

That’s when I heard it. Laughter. Sharp and sudden.

Confused, I turned around. My aunt and cousin were standing in the doorway, hands covering their mouths, mocking the way I’d been moving my face with the actors.

“Did you see her?” my aunt said. “So dramatic! Like she thinks she’s in the movie.”

My stomach dropped. Heat crawled up my neck and into my cheeks. And I just felt like disappearing into the floor.

They moved on, still chuckling as they left the room.

But I didn’t. I sat there, my face burning, my hands gripping the hem of my T-shirt, and I made a quiet vow I didn’t have words for yet: Never again. Never let them see this part of you.

I didn’t know it then, but that was the day I learned there was something shameful about being fully myself. About caring too much. About being too much.

That was the day I began rehearsing a more acceptable version of me: polite, composed, and easy to digest.

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When Hiding Becomes a Way of Life

It started with holding my face still while I watched TV.

I thought if I just controlled how I looked, no one would have a reason to laugh. No one would see how much I felt. At first, it seemed harmless. A little habit. A small way to stay safe.

But these are the seeds we plant without realizing how big they’ll grow.

Soon, they cover everything.

I learned to say ‘it’s fine’ when I wasn’t. To shrink my excitement so it wouldn’t make other people uncomfortable. To rehearse every sentence before I spoke it, just to be sure it sounded acceptable.

I became the good kid who never complained. The high achiever who did everything right. The responsible one who didn’t need anything from anyone.

And the more I perfected the role, the more praise I got.

• “You’re so mature for your age.”

• “You’re so smart.”

• “You’re so reliable.”

It felt good. Or at least, it felt better than the alternative: being judged, misunderstood, and ridiculed.

Looking back, I can see:

• I performed in classrooms, eager to be the student teachers admired.

• I performed at home, careful to seem useful and agreeable.

• I performed in friendships, believing that as long as I was easy to be around, no one would leave.

But underneath the performance, gold stars and compliments, there was something I couldn’t admit to myself: I was lonely in a way that had nothing to do with being alone.

When you spend your whole life trying to stay small and perform perfectly, you feel isolated. You can be surrounded by people, but never known.

Something that starts as a protection turns into a cage.

A cage made of all the ways you try to be “good.”

All the ways you try not to need too much.

All the ways you convince yourself that if people love the version you show them, it’s enough.

That’s the hidden cost of becoming who you think the world wants:

• You earn love by being useful

• You feel unseen and unappreciated

• You disconnect from your needs and emotions

Spending years in that role teaches you it’s the only way to be.

You tell yourself that shrinking is noble. Perfection is safety. Staying small is maturity. But there comes a point in life where you can’t ignore the made-up reality you’ve been living. You can’t deny the suffocation of not knowing who you are anymore.

That moment feels like everything is falling apart, and you’re drowning. But really, it’s the first sign that something real is finally trying to break through.

And that, my friend, is where the unburying begins.

Brené Brown on the Fear That Makes You Hide the Most Honest Parts of Yourself

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Choosing Authenticity Over Approval

2024 was the year everything cracked open.

From the outside, my life looked perfect.

A good job. Relationships that seemed fine. A life that ticked all the boxes. But on the inside, I felt like I was dissolving. I barely remembered what it felt like to just be human.

And I knew I couldn’t go on like this.

One night, sitting on my couch, exhausted and in tears, I dared to ask myself:

What would happen if I stopped trying to impress everyone?

I wish I could say the answer came easily.

It didn’t.

It never does.

But in that moment, I made a promise:

I will not abandon myself anymore.

Even if I had no idea how to choose myself. Even if it meant disappointing people. Even if it meant starting over.

That led me to quit my tech job and start writing to you, even though the uncertainty terrified me. I walked away from one-sided relationships. I began practising boundaries, even though my voice shook every single time.

And most of all, I started speaking to myself like someone I care for.

If you’ve spent decades hiding, it feels almost impossible to believe it’s safe to be real.

But you can create that safety. One authentic choice at a time.

Brené Brown says,

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.”

That word—practice—has given me so much permission.

Because it means you don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to have it all figured out. You just have to be willing to try again and again.

For me, it happens in the smallest moments:

• Saying, “I’m not okay today”.

• Allowing myself to cry when something moves me.

• Wearing colours I love, instead of wondering if it’s too much

• Writing these words to you, even when I fear judgment.

And when you feel seen through my work, it reminds me:

We don’t have to impress each other to belong.

We just have to be honest.

If you’re standing at your own crossroads, wondering who you might be without the performance, I want you to know:

You don’t have to hate yourself for the years you spent hiding. You did what you needed to survive.

And now that you see those old patterns for what they are, it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and lost. It’s okay to grieve the self you never got to be.

But you don’t have to stay there.

Meet yourself with curiosity and compassion.

Here are a few places you might begin:

• Say no when you mean no

• Tell the truth about how you feel

• Celebrate the tiny moments of honesty

• Notice when you’re pleasing, and gently call yourself back

• Rest when you’re tired, without explaining why you need it

You don’t have to know who you’ll be ten years from now.

Just focus on today.

Because today, you get to choose one small way to unbury the self you’ve hidden.

And when you start showing up as your real, human self, you’ll notice something beautiful:

• You feel lighter because you’re not carrying so many masks.

• You feel calmer because you’re no longer bracing for rejection.

• You feel more alive because you’re finally living your own story.

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📌 Ready to Stop Hiding?

If you've spent years shrinking yourself to keep others comfortable, you know that choosing authenticity is just the beginning.

The real challenge? Learning to protect your energy without falling back into people-pleasing patterns.

After decades of absorbing everyone else's emotions just to avoid rejection, I created The Energy Shield Database—the complete system that helped me transition from chronic people-pleaser to being authentic and empowered.

This isn't about becoming selfish or cutting people off. It's about finally having the tools to show up as your real self without getting emotionally drained in the process.

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• ✅ Stop emotional overwhelm in under 30 seconds so you can stay present without absorbing others' stress (essential for sensitive people)

• ✅ Set guilt-free boundaries that actually stick instead of caving the moment someone pushes back

• ✅ Navigate difficult conversations with confidence rather than agreeing to everything to avoid conflict

• ✅ Protect your energy while still being caring (the secret to staying authentic without burning out)

• ✅ Release absorbed emotions before they consume you, so you can sleep peacefully instead of replaying everyone else's problems

Plus, you also get my FREE bonus!

The Emotional Detox Journal - A 7-day guided experience to help you identify which emotions are actually yours and release what you've been carrying for others.

Remember: You don't have to choose between being authentic and being overwhelmed. You can be your real self and protect your peace.

Because the little kid who felt everything so deeply deserves to feel safe being themselves.

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Question: What’s one small thing you’d do differently today if you weren’t trying to impress anyone?

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