Excellent article and exploration ! Most people, including me for many years, praise independence, as if it was a positive personality trait. They’re not aware that it’s not a personality trait, it’s a learned defense mechanism and hyper independence is a sign of childhood emotional neglect. Beautifully expressed here. Thank you 🙏🏻✨🥰
At the risk of being vulnerable and seen, I am asking for help. I am a 56 (soon 57) year old man single, gay, and alone. I've lost all connection to who I am and worse yet who I wish to be. I'm ready to change I am unsure how to begin. #unmoored
Aw, bless you. I’m surrounded by people. I now have my own family, but I still feel all 4 of those, vividly. Therapy isn’t the answer for everyone. I found it useless. People suggest joining things as a way forward. Start gently and see how it feels. My friend started a book club and joined a tennis club - in fact she moved next to one. Now, she’s never in and is having the time of her life. She’s not looking for a life partner. She was looking for company, activity, fun and she found it.
Hello, have you thought about therapy, perhaps? I always find knowing the how and why is helpful. There’s always a next steps forum once you’ve learned and understand.
Try to work through The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. It is an excellent self help resource and the exercises are enjoyable and revelatory. Good luck!
Have you ever thought of trying CODA—Codependents Anonymous? I have learned and gained so much from having that as a reference point provided by the CODA Behavioral Patterns PLUS listening to all the shares. I found just the right group for me and the change I’ve sought for so long is finally starting to happen for me!
Hugs from Poland, too. always thought my want to reach absolute independence was the form of strength, but it was just what turned to be my biggest weakness.
Anyway, you are not alone, we're here. We can share our thoughts and feelings freely, at least so far.
MightyM, I deeply commend you on speaking your truth here in your comment. I'm a Soul Surgeon and happy to support you to shift and transform, coming back home to yourself. You don't need to walk this life alone. You're welcome to contact me if you need support.
I don’t know you, but I see you and acknowledge your pain. Keep asking. Find a community of even one person to start and keep building it. You’re not alone!!! Big hug.
MightyM, the above Dr is giving a starting path. You sound so alone that it tugs at my heart. Have you seriously considered find
ing a Good counselor to help and support you through early steps of even beginning to hear and feel your own self? Having that caring "coach" behind you can help get you off the starting block. Best wishes! You'll get there! And we do continue to have challenges in need of growth throughout our entire lives. But friends and some family, if healthy, can be with us on the journey.
I see you and I love you. Just being you m, whoever that is right now, and speaking your truth in comments here like you did is a beautiful start. Some of my deepest human connections are with people I met on social media and have never met in real life. 🩵
So many lightbulb moments in this beautiful post. I struggle with the word neglect although I recognise on paper that it is accurate. The word itself feels like betrayal to the people who loved me & tried their best with what they had. This was so well written & will help many people.
I agree re. neglect, it’s a challenging word that makes it seem pre-meditated or intentional somehow? I have a lot of empathy for our parents who were just doing their best, and probably the product of similar environments themselves
Totally feel the same! I massively empathise with my parents & know that they were a product of their environment in a time that the same understanding & resources were not available. AND my experience & feelings are valid & very real.
This article spoke to me in so many ways. I grew up in England, and we never talked about emotions in our family. We didn’t laugh. We didn’t cry. I was never hugged or told that I was loved and it has made me feel so alone all my life I won’t let anybody in. I know my parents love me, but I never felt loved.
“You didn’t choose independence. You adapted to it.”
And it took a long time to adapt. In my 20’s, I feared the loneliness I felt. Now, in my early 50s I am indifferent to it because time made it bearable. There’s not much comfort in that.
I was away from home for 4 months, 10,000 miles away. During that time I ran into some logistical problems with things at home and had to ask for help. It was absolutely excruciating to have to do so. I hated it. In addition, people who I thought were friends did not stay in touch and I realized they didn’t really care. On my return home I have exactly one friend. That is hard. I feel more lonely at home than I ever did in a foreign country.
Spot on. Neglectful patterns put there when too small to understand STILL return in my 60s in the form of triggers. Great advice: start small … think big. Celebrate the victories… the ‘unlearning’ and try and analyse the ‘failures’. Good luck all! ☺️
Thank you. I don’t know where to start, I think there's really something wrong with me : I connect to everything in the emotional part. This fear (for me it became more of a phobia) of "being too much", and WORSE !!!! the fear of being abandonned once you've let someone in. So I now choose 'nothing' over the risk of being disappointed. But my parents cared. There. They did. Yes they argued. Yes I suffered, and still am. But was it neglect as such ? The last therapist I saw called it that, too. Neglect. I was loved, cared for, hugged by both my parents. Yet I never stopped suffering. Scared that they would divorce, scared my mom would die, in fact always scared. Need I add still am... So why the hell am I recognizing myself in everything you describe except for the most (maybe) important part, that is, the context ? I scream for ackowledgment. Not pity ! Just "yes, I believe you, I can see you're hurting, and it's not your fault. But I believe you". Just that. I'm sorry. Didn't mean to spill all over... Thank you.
Wow. You hit the nail on the head with the “empty” feeling. My dean in high school, when I was in her office for ditching school, I think, observed my quiet tears, my effort to stay stoic, and wrote “Running on empty” on a piece of paper and slid it across her desk to me. I think of that often and have felt that empty feeling often. Yet, I’m 51 and have never been able to shake it. I’ve also identified the emotional neglect of my parents but haven’t been able to translate this knowledge into healing. I’ve tried therapy, prescription drugs, self-medication etc. and have never been able to shake it. But, I’m still striving for it. Hope others have better luck than me.
I think it might help to find some expressive discipline you really have a feeling for and explore the feeling of doing it just as you want to do it. That’s one way of hearing the inner voices that have been silenced. The frozen anger and grief need to come out before the original self can speak. Once it does healing can begin.
Yes, I think you’re on to something. I think I’ve spent so much time and energy trying to suppress my feelings that I have lost the thread of who I am. Thanks for the advice.
Wonderful article! Thank you! The feelings wheel is the best thing I have seen in terms of listing possible emotions. That’s really great! Thank you very much! 🙏
This is one of the most compassionate, validating things I’ve read about emotional neglect. You offer not just awareness, but a path forward—with kindness. Thank you for making space for all the invisible parts of us that are still learning how to feel, ask, and receive.
Wow Akanksha, what powerful writing. That independence point really resonated with me. My parents still take great pride in how they raised us to be so independent. They can't see the flip side of that. And yet, on some level I'm grateful for it. They didn't do it the right way and there are scars but thankfully, I can heal those. But it's also taken my lifetime to come to this realization/ conclusion...
These are all so real, and I appreciate such a skillfully written piece that pointedly names what many of us have in common without retraumatizing readers. #1 hit the hardest for me. My identity, to my family, is a collection of trophies, prizes, championships, concert solos, promotions, and even motherhood. I fully agree: of course they tried their best— I can name dozens of memories that counter any narrative or framework that says otherwise. They tried so hard. That doesn’t mean I was or am okay. I believe I’m better off than I would have been if they weren’t trying, but that’s not true for every person who reads and relates to this essay.
What has helped the most is going to Al-Anon meetings, which is a group for people who are impacted by friends and family who are alcoholics. A lot of folks misjudge what alcohol use disorder looks like, and they think it has to be a parent or sibling that they knew and were connected to in order for them to be impacted, but the intergenerational and cross generational impact of alcoholism leaves an echo.
I share all of this to say that all of these very brilliant observations you’ve shared are ones that come up at a high level of frequency at Al-Anon meetings, and I imagine there’s some people who are reading and seeing themselves in this who would benefit from any kind of support from any community— whether it’s Al-Anon or a different program — to help sort through the complexity of childhood neglect in the presence of alcoholism or substance use.
thx so much ~ all the points spoke to me; particularly the parents not knowing me. my mother told me it was her job to break my spirit and make me into who i was supposed to be. long journey, ongoing who am i really stuff. i am grateful your writing showed up in the scroll. 🙏
Emotion wheels are so helpful! There's also an app called How We Feel that is great at tracking emotions, helping move through them and identifying trends by mood, time of day and season.
Excellent article and exploration ! Most people, including me for many years, praise independence, as if it was a positive personality trait. They’re not aware that it’s not a personality trait, it’s a learned defense mechanism and hyper independence is a sign of childhood emotional neglect. Beautifully expressed here. Thank you 🙏🏻✨🥰
At the risk of being vulnerable and seen, I am asking for help. I am a 56 (soon 57) year old man single, gay, and alone. I've lost all connection to who I am and worse yet who I wish to be. I'm ready to change I am unsure how to begin. #unmoored
i’m just a queer stranger on the internet but i’m sending you a hug. i see you.
Aw, bless you. I’m surrounded by people. I now have my own family, but I still feel all 4 of those, vividly. Therapy isn’t the answer for everyone. I found it useless. People suggest joining things as a way forward. Start gently and see how it feels. My friend started a book club and joined a tennis club - in fact she moved next to one. Now, she’s never in and is having the time of her life. She’s not looking for a life partner. She was looking for company, activity, fun and she found it.
We have a lgbtq+ book club and read books with queer subject/queer author: “when the reading stops the discussion starts.”
What a lovely idea!
Heard the quote on a CBC Reads episode by Mattea Roach.
Hello, have you thought about therapy, perhaps? I always find knowing the how and why is helpful. There’s always a next steps forum once you’ve learned and understand.
Try to work through The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. It is an excellent self help resource and the exercises are enjoyable and revelatory. Good luck!
Have you ever thought of trying CODA—Codependents Anonymous? I have learned and gained so much from having that as a reference point provided by the CODA Behavioral Patterns PLUS listening to all the shares. I found just the right group for me and the change I’ve sought for so long is finally starting to happen for me!
Therapy completely changed my life for the better. I hope you’ll give it a try. And don’t be afraid to fire one if it isn’t a match. Sending hugs. 💕
Thank you for sharing. I know it’s hard.
Hugs from Poland, too. always thought my want to reach absolute independence was the form of strength, but it was just what turned to be my biggest weakness.
Anyway, you are not alone, we're here. We can share our thoughts and feelings freely, at least so far.
MightyM, I deeply commend you on speaking your truth here in your comment. I'm a Soul Surgeon and happy to support you to shift and transform, coming back home to yourself. You don't need to walk this life alone. You're welcome to contact me if you need support.
May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you live in peace
May you live with ease
I don’t know you, but I see you and acknowledge your pain. Keep asking. Find a community of even one person to start and keep building it. You’re not alone!!! Big hug.
MightyM, the above Dr is giving a starting path. You sound so alone that it tugs at my heart. Have you seriously considered find
ing a Good counselor to help and support you through early steps of even beginning to hear and feel your own self? Having that caring "coach" behind you can help get you off the starting block. Best wishes! You'll get there! And we do continue to have challenges in need of growth throughout our entire lives. But friends and some family, if healthy, can be with us on the journey.
I see you and I love you. Just being you m, whoever that is right now, and speaking your truth in comments here like you did is a beautiful start. Some of my deepest human connections are with people I met on social media and have never met in real life. 🩵
So many lightbulb moments in this beautiful post. I struggle with the word neglect although I recognise on paper that it is accurate. The word itself feels like betrayal to the people who loved me & tried their best with what they had. This was so well written & will help many people.
I agree re. neglect, it’s a challenging word that makes it seem pre-meditated or intentional somehow? I have a lot of empathy for our parents who were just doing their best, and probably the product of similar environments themselves
Totally feel the same! I massively empathise with my parents & know that they were a product of their environment in a time that the same understanding & resources were not available. AND my experience & feelings are valid & very real.
This article spoke to me in so many ways. I grew up in England, and we never talked about emotions in our family. We didn’t laugh. We didn’t cry. I was never hugged or told that I was loved and it has made me feel so alone all my life I won’t let anybody in. I know my parents love me, but I never felt loved.
woah this is so real. english family as well. we didn’t laugh and we didn’t cry. 100%. just superficial conversation and distance.
And American, same with my family!
“You didn’t choose independence. You adapted to it.”
And it took a long time to adapt. In my 20’s, I feared the loneliness I felt. Now, in my early 50s I am indifferent to it because time made it bearable. There’s not much comfort in that.
I was away from home for 4 months, 10,000 miles away. During that time I ran into some logistical problems with things at home and had to ask for help. It was absolutely excruciating to have to do so. I hated it. In addition, people who I thought were friends did not stay in touch and I realized they didn’t really care. On my return home I have exactly one friend. That is hard. I feel more lonely at home than I ever did in a foreign country.
I don't remember my parents ever giving a damn about being parents. I think they only became parents because that's what people did in the 1950s.
Spot on. Neglectful patterns put there when too small to understand STILL return in my 60s in the form of triggers. Great advice: start small … think big. Celebrate the victories… the ‘unlearning’ and try and analyse the ‘failures’. Good luck all! ☺️
Thank you. I don’t know where to start, I think there's really something wrong with me : I connect to everything in the emotional part. This fear (for me it became more of a phobia) of "being too much", and WORSE !!!! the fear of being abandonned once you've let someone in. So I now choose 'nothing' over the risk of being disappointed. But my parents cared. There. They did. Yes they argued. Yes I suffered, and still am. But was it neglect as such ? The last therapist I saw called it that, too. Neglect. I was loved, cared for, hugged by both my parents. Yet I never stopped suffering. Scared that they would divorce, scared my mom would die, in fact always scared. Need I add still am... So why the hell am I recognizing myself in everything you describe except for the most (maybe) important part, that is, the context ? I scream for ackowledgment. Not pity ! Just "yes, I believe you, I can see you're hurting, and it's not your fault. But I believe you". Just that. I'm sorry. Didn't mean to spill all over... Thank you.
Wow. You hit the nail on the head with the “empty” feeling. My dean in high school, when I was in her office for ditching school, I think, observed my quiet tears, my effort to stay stoic, and wrote “Running on empty” on a piece of paper and slid it across her desk to me. I think of that often and have felt that empty feeling often. Yet, I’m 51 and have never been able to shake it. I’ve also identified the emotional neglect of my parents but haven’t been able to translate this knowledge into healing. I’ve tried therapy, prescription drugs, self-medication etc. and have never been able to shake it. But, I’m still striving for it. Hope others have better luck than me.
I think it might help to find some expressive discipline you really have a feeling for and explore the feeling of doing it just as you want to do it. That’s one way of hearing the inner voices that have been silenced. The frozen anger and grief need to come out before the original self can speak. Once it does healing can begin.
Yes, I think you’re on to something. I think I’ve spent so much time and energy trying to suppress my feelings that I have lost the thread of who I am. Thanks for the advice.
Wonderful article! Thank you! The feelings wheel is the best thing I have seen in terms of listing possible emotions. That’s really great! Thank you very much! 🙏
This is one of the most compassionate, validating things I’ve read about emotional neglect. You offer not just awareness, but a path forward—with kindness. Thank you for making space for all the invisible parts of us that are still learning how to feel, ask, and receive.
Wow Akanksha, what powerful writing. That independence point really resonated with me. My parents still take great pride in how they raised us to be so independent. They can't see the flip side of that. And yet, on some level I'm grateful for it. They didn't do it the right way and there are scars but thankfully, I can heal those. But it's also taken my lifetime to come to this realization/ conclusion...
Thank you for sharing this with us.
These are all so real, and I appreciate such a skillfully written piece that pointedly names what many of us have in common without retraumatizing readers. #1 hit the hardest for me. My identity, to my family, is a collection of trophies, prizes, championships, concert solos, promotions, and even motherhood. I fully agree: of course they tried their best— I can name dozens of memories that counter any narrative or framework that says otherwise. They tried so hard. That doesn’t mean I was or am okay. I believe I’m better off than I would have been if they weren’t trying, but that’s not true for every person who reads and relates to this essay.
What has helped the most is going to Al-Anon meetings, which is a group for people who are impacted by friends and family who are alcoholics. A lot of folks misjudge what alcohol use disorder looks like, and they think it has to be a parent or sibling that they knew and were connected to in order for them to be impacted, but the intergenerational and cross generational impact of alcoholism leaves an echo.
I share all of this to say that all of these very brilliant observations you’ve shared are ones that come up at a high level of frequency at Al-Anon meetings, and I imagine there’s some people who are reading and seeing themselves in this who would benefit from any kind of support from any community— whether it’s Al-Anon or a different program — to help sort through the complexity of childhood neglect in the presence of alcoholism or substance use.
thx so much ~ all the points spoke to me; particularly the parents not knowing me. my mother told me it was her job to break my spirit and make me into who i was supposed to be. long journey, ongoing who am i really stuff. i am grateful your writing showed up in the scroll. 🙏
Emotion wheels are so helpful! There's also an app called How We Feel that is great at tracking emotions, helping move through them and identifying trends by mood, time of day and season.
Yes! When I was given one, it spent its first month on my kitchen table!