Brené Brown on the Fear That Makes You Hide the Most Honest Parts of Yourself

And what it really takes to let yourself be seen.

Photo by Yan Krukau

Do you ever feel like you’re hiding parts of yourself to fit in?

Scared if people saw the real you, they’d leave?

If yes, I see you. I’m you.

I spent years walking on eggshells. Measuring my words, filtering my emotions and downplaying my struggles to avoid judgment. Even when it meant suffocating myself.

But the more I tried to look perfect, the lonelier I became. And it wasn’t until I found Brené Brown’s work that I understood why.

She put words to the quiet weight so many of us carry:

We hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving.

That one sentence cracked something open in me.

So in this post, we’re going to unpack:

• The hidden cost of hiding your true self

• The fear that drives it (and how it begins)

• How Brené Brown’s research can help you reclaim the courage to be seen

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What It Really Costs to Keep Hiding

Trying to be someone you’re not comes with a cost.

And that cost is YOU.

Here’s how you pay:

1. Chronic emotional exhaustion

Pretending is heavy.

When you spend your days smiling when you don’t want to, rehearsing every sentence before you speak up, checking your tone, body language, and your face, every minute you’re with someone, it takes a toll on you.

It’s like carrying a thousand tabs open in your mind:

• Are they mad at me?

• Did I sound too needy?

• Was that message too much?

And here’s the kicker: there’s no resolution. Because this fear lives in a loop. And it never gives you peace.

No wonder you feel like you’re running on fumes.

2. Physical exhaustion

What your mind hides, your body holds.

That constant tension?

It starts showing up in ways you can’t ignore:

• The headaches.

• The gut issues.

• The shoulder stiffness you can’t explain

• The fatigue that doesn’t go away with sleep.

You feel tired, foggy, and numb. Even small tasks feel like climbing a mountain.

And the scariest part?

You stop feeling joy.

You lose interest in things you once loved.

Life starts to feel more like survival than living.

3. Loneliness

You can be surrounded by people. You can even seem “social”.

Yet, you feel completely alone.

Because if no one truly sees the real you, how can you feel loved? How can you feel you belong?

When you’re always guarding your truth, your pain, your needs. When “I’m fine” becomes your automatic reply. When you don’t reach out because you don’t want to be a burden. You disconnect with everyone around you.

And this is the most painful kind of loneliness.

Not the absence of people, but the absence of being known.

4. Surface-level relationships

You show people what you think they can handle.

But that curated version of you?

It keeps intimacy out.

Without vulnerability, your friendships and relationships stay transactional:

• You talk about your day, but not your pain.

• You nod along, but never speak your truth.

• You vent about work, but never about your fears.

You become agreeable. Reliable. Pleasant. But emotionally absent.

And over time, people stop trying to know you.

You avoid vulnerability, so others never feel safe being vulnerable with you either.

5. Missed opportunities

The world passes by because you stay invisible.

You shrink yourself to avoid attention. You silence your voice to avoid conflict. You hold back your ideas because you fear judgment.

The result?

You talk yourself out of things:

• That spark of possibility? “I’m not ready.”

• That hard but honest conversation? “It’ll just cause drama.”

• That dream that’s been calling for years? “Who am I to do that?”

So you settle. You silence yourself before you even give yourself a chance.

And the tragedy is, you never get to find out what you’re capable of.

Hiding doesn’t just protect you from failure. It also keeps you from honouring your potential.

But this hiding isn’t random. It’s not a flaw. It’s a response.

And it’s rooted in a deeper story.

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Why We Hide: Fear Behind Perfectionism

We don’t call it fear.

We call it “being responsible.” We call it “trying to be our best.” We call it “having high standards.”

But beneath the surface, perfectionism is a survival strategy. Born not from ambition, but from the fear of being hurt.

It doesn’t come from a desire to be excellent. It comes from the belief: If I get it right, I’ll be safe.

• Safe from shame.

• Safe from rejection.

• Safe from being abandoned, judged, or misunderstood.

This isn’t a mindset. It’s a memory stored in your body.

If you grew up in an environment where love was conditional, or your emotional needs were dismissed or punished, your nervous system learned a rule: “It’s not safe to be myself.”

It remembers the tension of being told to “stop crying” or “act normal.” It remembers the shame of being laughed at or silenced. It remembers the pressure to never mess up.

So you started to perform.

You became hyper-attuned to others’ moods. You read the room. You monitored your tone and body language. This doesn’t mean you wanted to be fake. You just wanted to belong.

Recently, I asked you all:

“What’s the hardest part about being authentic in your daily life?”

Here’s what came up:

• 40% said it feels unsafe to be real.

• 30% said fear of judgment

That’s 70% of people who feel like being real could cost them safety, acceptance, and belonging.

It shows something important:

Authenticity isn’t just a mindset shift. It’s a nervous system issue.

That means you can’t just ‘think your way out’ of hiding. If your body still believes being real isn’t safe, it will override your logic, no matter how much mindset work you’ve done.

Perfectionism is about survival.

Perfectionism activates your brain’s threat system, not its reward system.

When you feel the need to control every word, every task, every outcome, it’s not excellence speaking. It’s your amygdala, the brain’s fear centre, firing.

You’re not being pulled by purpose. You’re being chased by fear.

Research even shows that socially prescribed perfectionism—the belief that others expect us to be perfect—is directly linked to higher levels of trauma symptoms and chronic stress.

Because the nervous system doesn’t differentiate between emotional abandonment and physical threat. To your body, rejection = danger.

Even now, I catch myself trying to “sound right” or “look calm” when I’m actually hurting inside. I still feel the urge to explain myself, justify my emotions and make sure I’m never “too much.”

But I also know this:

You don’t heal by becoming perfect. You heal by becoming honest.

Every time I choose real over hiding, even in small ways, I feel a little more free.

And I want that for you, too.

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Brené Brown’s Advice on Building the Courage to Be Seen

Now you know, the fear of being seen isn’t irrational.

But Brené Brown’s work invites us to reimagine this fear. Not as a weakness, but as a signal. A doorway. A place where healing can begin.

Here’s how:

1. Listen to your fear without shaming it

Fear is your body’s way of protecting something tender inside.

So the moment you feel the urge to hide, ask: What part of me feels unworthy right now?” This awareness is powerful. It points you directly to the wound you’re trying to cover up.

Take for instance:

You’re in a meeting and have an idea, but your chest tightens, and you talk yourself out of speaking.

Pause and ask:

• “What am I afraid people will see in me if I speak up?”

• “What story am I telling myself about what they’ll think?”

The answer might be:

• “They’ll think I’m not smart enough.”

• “What if they laugh at me?”

• “What if it’s a stupid idea?“

That’s not a cue to hide. That’s a cue to face and speak up anyway.

2. Rewire your response to perfectionism

The more you hide your imperfections, the more shame grows.

“Shame loves secrecy,” Brené says. But “It loses power when it is spoken”

So what if, instead of pushing through your inner critic, you meet it with curiosity and even humour?

Brené suggests imagining your perfectionism as an overly dramatic roommate:

• “Don’t mess it up!”

• “You’ll embarrass yourself.”

• “People will think you’re stupid.”

Try replying with a smirk: “Thanks for your concern, but I’m not taking life advice from fear today.” Or give it a name. “Oh, there’s Sharon again, my inner perfectionist, trying to run the show!”

Even naming what you are feeling helps:

Say aloud:

• “I’m afraid right now.”

• “This feels vulnerable.”

• “I don’t have to be perfect to be enough.”

Whenever you respond with self-compassion instead of self-criticism, you're rewiring your nervous system for safety instead of shame.

3. Practice authenticity like a daily workout

Authenticity isn’t a destination. It’s a muscle.

You build it through practice.

Every time you say what you really think. Every time you set a boundary. Every time you let yourself be seen—flawed, emotional, uncertain— you’re practising authenticity.

Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are. - Brené Brown

What that looks like in real life:

• Saying “no” without a long explanation.

• Saying “I don’t know” instead of pretending.

• Asking for help even when it feels uncomfortable.

• Expressing your real opinion, even if it’s unpopular.

• Telling a friend, “I’m struggling right now. Can we talk?”

• Admitting, “I’m overwhelmed today”, instead of powering through.

These are small acts, but they’re revolutionary in a world that rewards performance.

4. Stop outsourcing your self-worth

“You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” - Brené Brown

And I want you to step inside your story.

Stop waiting for others to approve your thoughts, beliefs and actions.

Start small. Remind yourself:

• “I am still worthy, even if I disappoint someone.”

• “I don’t have to earn love by being someone I’m not.”

• “My value doesn’t come from being perfect. It comes from being real.”

And when your authentic self doesn’t match what others expect of you?

Let it be. That misalignment is not a failure.

Dare to stand alone.

5. Let vulnerability build connection, not walls

Here’s the irony:

We try to appear perfect to be loved. But we connect most with people who are honest about their imperfections.

Think about the people you feel closest to.

Is it the ones who have it all together? Or the ones who say, “Yeah, me too. I’ve been there.”

Vulnerability isn’t weakness. It’s the secret to a deeper connection.

It says: “I trust you with this part of me.” And that trust builds safety on both sides.

Start small:

• Share one thing you’re struggling with someone you trust.

• Replace “I’m fine” with something real, even if it’s just: “It’s been a hard day.”

• Notice when someone opens up to you, and respond with empathy, not advice.

These micro-moments build a foundation of honesty.

And honesty is the only place where true belonging can grow.

Closing Thoughts

Take the risk.

Be messy, honest, unsure, and real. You’re not too much. You’re not too sensitive. You’re not broken. Hiding may have kept you safe once, but it’s authenticity that will set you free.

Now, I’d love to hear from you.

What would being "real" look like for you today?

Tell me in the comments. Your story might be exactly what someone else needs to hear today.

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